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sherlock60Season’s greetings to you all, and welcome to my Problem Page and Poetry Corner!
For the whole of this week I will be helping with any problems that you care to write in about. Love, work, household hints—I have seen and done it all. Simply leave your problem in the comments and using my extensive experience, I will reply with my advice!
To get the ball rolling here are two letters I have already received.
A Miss V. Smith, presently of Surrey, writes:
Madam - I wonder if you could supply me with any advice on how to repel unwanted admirers. Currently I have three - a mysterious bearded gentleman who follows me on a bicycle, an older gentleman whose feelings are I believe honourable, and an odious young man who presses his attentions upon me despite my protestations.
My answer:
Dear Miss Smith - Have you considered donning a beard yourself in order to deter your cyclist follower? My dear friend Mrs. Babcock (formerly of Gadling's Sideshow) informs me that a facial hair covering discourages all but the most exceptional and chivalrous of men.
With regard to your older gentleman - surely politeness and firmness will be sufficient there. And regarding your odious young man - a knee to the groin seems most appropriate. I am sending a pamphlet by the next post.
Next, a note from 'Anxious Landlady, Brixton'. She writes:
Madam - Any hints on how to keep a sitting-room immaculate?
My answer:
Dear Anxious Landlady - I think the best advice is: never rent to Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
As well as problems, all forms of poetry are still welcome, of course. Here are the usual suggestions to try:
221B verselet, abecedarian poetry, acrostic poetry, alexandrine, ballad, beeswing, blackout poetry, blues stanza, bref double, Burns stanza, call and response, chastushka, cinquain, circular poetry, clerihew, colour poems, concrete poetry, Cornish verse, curtal sonnet, diamante, doggerel, double dactyl, ekphrasis, elegiac couplet, elegiac stanza, elfje, englyn, epigram, epitaph, epulaeryu, Etheree, fable, Fib, florette, found poetry, free verse, ghazal, haiku, In Memoriam stanza, Italian sonnet, jueju, kennings poem, lanturne, limerick, lyric poetry, mathnawī, micropoetry, mini-monoverse, musette, palindrome poetry, pantoum, Parallelismus Membrorum, poem cycle, quintilla, renga, riddle, rime couée, Schüttelreim, sedoka, septet, sestina, sonnet, tanka, tercet, terza rima, tongue twister poetry, triangular triplet, triolet, Tyburn, villanelle
So please leave your poems in the comments, and your problems too! I am ready and willing to assist.
Warm regards,
Mrs. Hudson
For the whole of this week I will be helping with any problems that you care to write in about. Love, work, household hints—I have seen and done it all. Simply leave your problem in the comments and using my extensive experience, I will reply with my advice!
To get the ball rolling here are two letters I have already received.
A Miss V. Smith, presently of Surrey, writes:
Madam - I wonder if you could supply me with any advice on how to repel unwanted admirers. Currently I have three - a mysterious bearded gentleman who follows me on a bicycle, an older gentleman whose feelings are I believe honourable, and an odious young man who presses his attentions upon me despite my protestations.
My answer:
Dear Miss Smith - Have you considered donning a beard yourself in order to deter your cyclist follower? My dear friend Mrs. Babcock (formerly of Gadling's Sideshow) informs me that a facial hair covering discourages all but the most exceptional and chivalrous of men.
With regard to your older gentleman - surely politeness and firmness will be sufficient there. And regarding your odious young man - a knee to the groin seems most appropriate. I am sending a pamphlet by the next post.
Next, a note from 'Anxious Landlady, Brixton'. She writes:
Madam - Any hints on how to keep a sitting-room immaculate?
My answer:
Dear Anxious Landlady - I think the best advice is: never rent to Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
As well as problems, all forms of poetry are still welcome, of course. Here are the usual suggestions to try:
221B verselet, abecedarian poetry, acrostic poetry, alexandrine, ballad, beeswing, blackout poetry, blues stanza, bref double, Burns stanza, call and response, chastushka, cinquain, circular poetry, clerihew, colour poems, concrete poetry, Cornish verse, curtal sonnet, diamante, doggerel, double dactyl, ekphrasis, elegiac couplet, elegiac stanza, elfje, englyn, epigram, epitaph, epulaeryu, Etheree, fable, Fib, florette, found poetry, free verse, ghazal, haiku, In Memoriam stanza, Italian sonnet, jueju, kennings poem, lanturne, limerick, lyric poetry, mathnawī, micropoetry, mini-monoverse, musette, palindrome poetry, pantoum, Parallelismus Membrorum, poem cycle, quintilla, renga, riddle, rime couée, Schüttelreim, sedoka, septet, sestina, sonnet, tanka, tercet, terza rima, tongue twister poetry, triangular triplet, triolet, Tyburn, villanelle
So please leave your poems in the comments, and your problems too! I am ready and willing to assist.
Mrs. Hudson
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no subject
Date: 2016-12-25 09:28 am (UTC)Learn more about LiveJournal Ratings in FAQ (https://www.dreamwidth.org/support/faqbrowse?faqid=303).
A Lady Has Problems with a Name
Date: 2016-12-25 09:46 am (UTC)My inability to recall my dear spouseâs moniker has unfortunately led to some social embarrassment. The length of my pause during our exchange of wedding vows will forever stay with me, and remembering what to call him in front of other friends and acquaintances has led to some notable mistakes.
Could you suggest some easy way of learning and retaining my husband's name?
M. W., Kensington.
A Meaty Problem
Date: 2016-12-25 09:52 am (UTC)D. Allardyce, London
A Man Looks for Direction in his Life
Date: 2016-12-25 09:57 am (UTC)Any thoughts? I intend to throw this letter out of a window in the hope it may reach you.
âLost of Pall Mallâ
Harassed Housewife of Hampstead
Date: 2016-12-25 10:05 am (UTC)Reference Requested
Date: 2016-12-25 12:08 pm (UTC)A Captain Basil has sought to have lodgings with me and has quoted your name as referee. I am slightly dubious about this.
Please could you advice.
Respectable Landlady, East India Dock Road
Advice Sought
Date: 2016-12-25 12:12 pm (UTC)I have recently heard a significant amount of knocking from my broom cupboard. Should I consult a medium, or would it be better to ask my new tenant (a Scotland Yard inspector) for assistance?
Concerned Landlady
Change of Life
Date: 2016-12-25 12:15 pm (UTC)I am considering a change of life after a few of my perhaps ill-conceived plans have failed. Would you advise taking a sea voyage?
Re: A Lady Has Problems with a Name
Date: 2016-12-25 12:17 pm (UTC)Re: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 04:31 pm (UTC)Re: Harassed Housewife of Hampstead
Date: 2016-12-25 04:50 pm (UTC)Dear Harassed Housewife, I fear it is time to admit defeat. Stain the whole wretched thing in various colours - any further stains will only add to the mottled effect.
You can produce your own vegetable dyes at home. Or as an alternative method, if you post the rug to me I will allow Mr. Holmes to borrow it for the day. That should do the trick.
Re: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 05:03 pm (UTC)Re: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 05:11 pm (UTC)I do so like A tree thief trap and We made the somber carter's day./ He did not squeal or shout "Hooray!"/ For this was not the carter's way. Well done Holmes, Watson and Arthur - I greatly enjoyed this Christmas tree black market case ^__^
Re: Reference Requested
Date: 2016-12-25 05:15 pm (UTC)it really all depends on how attached you are to your curtains...
In any case, get the money upfront.
Re: Advice Sought
Date: 2016-12-25 05:25 pm (UTC)Never fear, dear Concerned Landlady - this is no supernatural occurrence, merely a few annoying pests. When next you hear the knocking: secure the broom cupboard door, prepare a bucket of cold water, and then open the door and hurl the water inside.
Repeat on any other occasion you hear knocking until the problem subsides. Good luck.
Re: Change of Life
Date: 2016-12-25 05:27 pm (UTC)Absolutely.
Yes.
Re: A Meaty Problem
Date: 2016-12-25 05:33 pm (UTC)RE: Re: A Lady Has Problems with a Name
Date: 2016-12-25 06:19 pm (UTC)RE: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 06:24 pm (UTC)RE: Re: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 07:13 pm (UTC)RE: Re: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 07:13 pm (UTC)RE: Re: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 07:14 pm (UTC)RE: A festive tale: parts one and two: Trees!
Date: 2016-12-25 07:14 pm (UTC)RE: Re: Harassed Housewife of Hampstead
Date: 2016-12-25 07:16 pm (UTC)From a lady West Country ornithologist
Date: 2016-12-25 07:21 pm (UTC)I was completing a study of the bird life on Dartmoor, and was almost certain I heard a bittern booming. Should I extend my stay and pursue this further? Why are the locals less than helpful?
Re: Harassed Housewife of Hampstead
Date: 2016-12-25 09:19 pm (UTC)RE: Re: Harassed Housewife of Hampstead
Date: 2016-12-25 09:29 pm (UTC)Re: From a lady West Country ornithologist
Date: 2016-12-26 03:44 pm (UTC)let us just say that this particular area has been... dogged... with trouble, and you make like to consider the well-known saying 'once bittern-- er, bitten... twice shy.'
Re: A Man Looks for Direction in his Life
Date: 2016-12-26 04:57 pm (UTC)I must apologies for the delay in my response, but your letter took rather a long time to reach me. I am sending you a ball of wool so you may unravel it and leave a trail so someone may find you. Alternatively you could knit yourself a scarf to keep warm during the long cold nights in the Club.
Job offer
Date: 2016-12-26 05:02 pm (UTC)I have been offered a position as typist for a charming gentleman, who is offering me a salary three times that which I was expecting, due to my resemblance to his dear recently departed wife. Is it wise for me to accept it?
Replacement antimacassars
Date: 2016-12-26 05:04 pm (UTC)A friend of mine is seeking to replace a set of antimacassars which have inadvertently caught fire. Could you recommend a suitable source?
Re: Replacement antimacassars
Date: 2016-12-27 11:49 pm (UTC)Re: Job offer
Date: 2016-12-27 11:55 pm (UTC)Dear Writer, I am sending you Dr. Watson's collected short stories.
Please sit down, read them carefully and see if you can possibly spot a pattern. (Though I do have to say it's refreshing to find such innocence as yours still existing in this harsh world...)
no subject
Date: 2016-12-30 02:23 am (UTC)Recently, a friend suggested that housekeepers can, on occasion, make comments on topics other than the presence of guests at the door or the nature of teatime fare. My wife's response when I inquired of her was obscured when she choked on her tea and had to repair upstairs to change her frock.
Bewildered in Basingstoke
no subject
Date: 2016-12-31 01:33 pm (UTC)Are you still in Basingstoke? This is clearly your first mistake.
Secondly, may I recommend you listen intently to your housekeeper. You will find matters progress much more smoothly that way.