The Cardboard Box: Numbers

[mafief.livejournal.com]

Canon Story: The Adventure of the Cardboard Box
Title: Numbers
Author: Mafief
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Author’s Notes:

One little yellow box held with tarred twine

one neat knot

Two mismatched ears

one was hers

Three minds set to investigate

one on the right track

Four moved about the house

one the future murder

Five minutes: cannot go five minutes without

one sister meddles

Six months the meddler dwelled only on his ways

one, the good women, left

Comments

[okapi1895.livejournal.com]

well done and nice play with the numbers and the space on the 'page.'

[debriswoman]

Very cleverly done:-)

[mafief.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[mafief.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
Do you know the song 1 2 3 4 from Feist? It was the original inspiration and morphed from there. The line 'tell me that you love me more' has been running through my head non stop when I was working out how to write this 60.

[alafaye]

♥

[mafief.livejournal.com]

:)

[scfrankles.livejournal.com]

It's a really great idea and I love what you've done with it. Echoing Okapi's comment - the use of space between 'statement' and 'comment' works really well.

I particularly like Two mismatched ears/ one was hers and Five minutes: cannot go five minutes without/ one sister meddles.

[mafief.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
Maybe you are in the know, but would you consider this an example of a concrete poem or is it something else? Since I just learned what concrete poems are 5 minutes ago (not exaggerating), I'm trying to figure out what that above would be called.

[scfrankles.livejournal.com]

I'm not an expert but I would say your poem could qualify as concrete poetry - it's sort of on the edges of the definition.

I suppose I think of a concrete poem as having a more definite shape - for example, if your poem had been in the shape of a cardboard box, or two cardboard boxes - one shut and one open.

Certainly the positioning of your lines and the use of white space is important - but you could argue that is true of all poems, and that alone doesn't necessarily make them 'concrete'.

The short answer is I'm not sure ^__^

[thesmallhobbit.livejournal.com]

Very clever response. I had to wait until I was back on my laptop to appreciate it fully - my phone rather compressed it. I'm impressed.

[mafief.livejournal.com]

I thought that it was maybe on the edge, but wasn't sure and confused myself. Oh well, I'll need to play with that form another day.

[mafief.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yeah, my phone squishes it as well and it doesn't look right.